everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
