I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
