Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
