My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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