There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
