Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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