So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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