i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
