The maid of honor just puked.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
