my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
