Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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