I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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