i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
