my phone needs a breathalizer
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
