Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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