My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
