Your face is a jimmy john
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
