Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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