i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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