He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
