i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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