My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?