Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
