I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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