When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
