so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When are your genitals available?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
