Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
