Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
