i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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