If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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