i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
