How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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