I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
