apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
