I'm pants shitting drunk right now
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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