How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
