Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
