apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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