it was like his penis was on wheels.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
