i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
