she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
