you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
