I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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