i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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