I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
