someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wear drunk well.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
