Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
