Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
