I wish my penis had an off switch
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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