just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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