I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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