He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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