oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
