I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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