In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
