Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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