Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
did i just pee glitter
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