Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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