We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
